Bear with me today, folks. Its probably going to be a long-en'.
One month, one day. That is how long I have before I will be moving my things into D407. It feels like time has been rolling on a hill. At the beginning of the summer it was like I was pushing it uphill. Now I'm rolling downhill and it is picking up speed. I've got one more week of school, one week of just work, one week in Alaska, and then one week after that to get everything together to move in. At the beginning of the summer Amy, Bre and I (Amy and Bre are going to co-lead a freshman girl's bible study with me next year) made a list of 13 prayer requests for the 13 weeks of the summer. I made index cards and taped them all to my mirror and I took them down one by one and stuck them in my journal for that week. Its so weird to think my mirror once had a chain stretching from top to bottom with prayer cards, and now, after tomorrow, will just have 3 left on it.
I went back and read my first post yesterday and it is really hard to not feel a little like a failure. I'm looking at 2/3rds of my summer gone and wondering why on earth I haven't accomplished anything. There is still time left, but not near as much as there used to be. Which brings me to a word that has been threatening my heart and emotions at many points throughout the summer. Overwhelmed. That sense that you just might not be able to handle something anymore. Which brings me to another word that has been the theme of this summer so far. Faithful. God has been so incredibly faithful throughout. He hasn't let me be overtaken by any of these overwhelming feelings. With my feeling of lonliness at the beginning of the summer he provided new friendships, let me spend time with old friends, and most of all he has been so so faithful to be right there with me whenever the feeling threatens again. When I am beginning to feel overwhelmed with the weight of my sin (reading old journals is agonizing because I see the repetitive sin in my life that I continue to struggle with) and when I feel completely insufficient as a Christian he reminds me that HIS grace is sufficient for me and HIS power is made perfect in my weakness. When my schedule has felt like too much and when I can't seem to find the perfect balance between work, classes, and goals he helps me reprioritize and somehow, no matter how much or how little anxiety I have, he provides time for everything. There have been points where I just feel so helpless. I've felt like that a lot this week, but I probably feel that way because I am. I don't have control, and if I did it would be a scary thing for the rest of the world. God, in his grace, is reminding me of how very mortal I am and how very sovereign I am not.
I came across a verse a week or two ago and I want to share it with y'all. Its Nehemiah 8:10 part b. It says, "And do not be grieved for the joy of the Lord is your strength." Fact. At all of these points, the ones even just this summer, he has been my strength and my joy. He is consistently reminding me that I cannot do it on my own, and that fact is my joy. Because he is my strength and my provider I have no need to be grieved, he's going to take care of everything in his time and in his way. I may feel a bit like a failure right now, helpless, and threatened to be overwhelmed all over again but he is my strength. Also when thinking about this summer so far I go back the Proverbs 19:21, "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." I mean I had all these plans, all good plans, all good things, and all things that still have time to be tackled, but God has established my steps. I cannot think of another time in my life where I have been so continuously broken. It's nothing of my own merit, it is just God being merciful to me, a sinner. And when I say sinner I mean it in the deepest, blackest sense. I am completely deprave. And God is completely gracious to me and doesn't see any of it because he is looking at me through the lense of Christ. Can't get over that. Anyway, he is establishing my steps. As much as I am looking at my list of goals as being in the process of failing, God has been working on me in a much bigger way than my list of 10 things ever could have. Don't ask me why he has been so faithful. It's something I will never completely understand.
I feel like this sounds like such a melodramatic post. It really isn't. Yes, my sin is like grains of sand on a beach. Yes, I have been broken and heartbroken over things in my life. Yes, I do continue to be a fool and struggle with realizing how sovereign God is and how not I am. But really all those things are what makes God's grace so incredible and beautiful. I'm so thankful that he loves me enough that, despite my shortcomings (there are many, trust me) , he chose me for his name's sake. It is more of a post of praise of God's grace and faithfulness than a gripe over my sinfulness. Again, his faithfulness is just something I will never be able to fully wrap my mind around.
Psalm 25:4-5
-Kelly
P.s- Oh and I made a 94 on my final speech in Communications. I don't know what the final grade was overall but it was an A. Wooowhooo :)
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