I'm not who the they is in my title, but since I started this blog with a "Once upon a time..." it seemed like the appropriate ending.
It's midnight. I'm sitting on my bed waiting for my laundry to be finished so that I can sleep. My belongings are packed away in boxes and I'm on the verge of another new year. Honestly I cannot believe it. It feels like this summer has just blown by. I mean when I take a look at everything that has happened (like my brother's wedding at the beginning of the summer) it feels like it has been forever. The prospect of going back to school tomorrow is just crazy to me, though. So soon? Not that I mind in the least bit, I'm stoked for sure. It's just weird, that's all. If summer classes and work and the more boring and less glamorous stuff of this summer flew by at such a rapid pace, then how much faster will school fly by? I mean I don't need to think about it, especially not like that, I've got to take every day one step at a time, but do you ever want to slow it down a bit? As great and wonderful as this summer has been, I'm glad it is over, I just don't want my school year to fly by that rapidly.
Ah the concluding blog post of the summer. What to say? I guess I should take a look at my goals....
1.Well. I made an A in Communications and not in Biology. So partial success. But only partial.
2. I had a room of the house to clean every day for the first 2 weeks, but after school and work started, that fell through and never came back up. So incomplete.
3. I played piano once. This entire summer. Needless to say I didn't learn any songs in that time frame.
4. I did Rosetta Stone for 2 weeks as well, again until school started. I made it through 4 lessons. That's it.
5. I finished 5 of the Harry Potter books and part of the 6th. But I still have some work to do.
6. I only memorized through verse 9 of Psalm 103.
7. I did nanny. Though not always without complaining or grumbling, but this part was the most fun.
8. I made bathroom signs for my floor. That's kinda like prepping for door decks, right? Ah no. You're right. Not really.
9. 3 chapters of Screwtape. Not exactly the whole book.
10. And I probably cooked a grand total of 3 times this summer. But never with Haley like we had planned.
When I look at the summer and its measure of success in these standards I'm pretty aware of the fact that I failed to fully complete any one of these things. It could be said that it was a really unsuccessful summer all in all. It's pretty easy to look at it like this. But through talking to a friend I've realized that my measure of success for the summer is being measured by the wrong standard. All these things are good, and would have been nice to finish them (I mean really, atleast one would have been nice.) but just because I didn't complete these things doesn't mean my summer was a waste. This summer has been pretty difficult for a lot of reasons. It has been a constant struggle to live my life in surrender and just an overall heartbreaking, growing, learning process. I'm becoming more aware of how very far from goodness I am, and how great that makes grace. I'm recognizing my constant striving to perfect my life and myself, rather than letting the author and perfecter of my faith take care of me and teach me. Part of me still feels very unprepared. This next year will bring its own struggles and victories, and will be filled with opportunities to do ministry all over the place. I know God has been prepping me in ways I can't even see yet, and I need to recognize that as a victory for this summer. It may not have been the glamorous, exciting summer I had been looking for, but I was placed where I needed to be when I needed to be there. That is just God's sovereignty. I've been beginning to redefine my standard of success in everything, not just the summer. What would be a success this school year? Getting A's (yes Mama, Daddy, I will try to do this!)? Making money? Becoming more cultured? Working out a certain amount? (Ha, good one, I know) I'm having to reevaluate what is best, and though these things are good and deserve a portion of my time, none of them are worth having goals over or striving for. They should just be fun bonuses in life. Not all of my life. It's like my buddy was telling me, though it was probably one of the hardest summers ever, it was a success. I could go all school year without any of those things and it could still be successful, but if I went an entire school year without seeking God, hurting some, struggling, working to grow while living in grace, well then it would be a complete and utter failure. My value, worth, and success is found ONLY in him.
I can honestly say that 2 months ago I cried at the prospect of having 2 more months of summer left being stuck in Dallas while everyone else was going off and doing exciting things with their lives. If only I had been able to see all the little ways God was working, I don't think I would have spent near as much time in tears. It makes it that much easier to trust him. At points it's still difficult but I keep reminding myself, he really does have my very very best in mind. Better than I could ever imagine. It's a pretty good reminder of how great he is. Just another instance of his faithfulness that I can add to my constantly growing list.
Well it is now 1am. I'm pretty pooped, not going to lie. And we've got a trek tomorrow! All the way to ARKANSAS!!!!! Whoooo :) Thank you all for being faithful readers, goodness knows why. I love you very much!
1 Peter 4:1-2
-Kelly
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Did Juneau?
Right now I'm sitting in a beautiful cabin in the middle of the woods in Alaska. The house is dark and everyone is asleep, except for myself. That's probably because I've been doing my very best to avoid going to bed or waking up TOO much off what I would do in Texas. So here I am. Awake and writing because it is still too dark to do anything that doesn't involve computer light. Shall I begin to tell of the adventures galore? Well since I can't hear any protests through my computer screen I'll go ahead and start.
We left Monday evening around 4 to get to the airport. Our flight was scheduled to be at 10:30pm and we were going early in the hopes to go standby for the the 7:30 out of Dallas instead. Did you know they now charge $50 to go standby? Yup. Ridiculous. I mean it kinda makes sense because it keeps the list from being so long and such a hassle, but it kept us from being able to fly out 3 hours earlier so I will continue to be disgruntled with the new rule. Anyway, so we flew out at 10:30pm to Vegas, where we stayed the night at the local Embassy Suites. We had a 7am flight the next morning so it was a rather short night to be sure. Tuesday morning came a little faster than I would have liked. At 7am we took off from Vegas, flew to Seattle, and then from Seattle we went to Juneau.
Okay well I could go through the rest play-by-play style, but I think you'd rather hear just the highlights. Wednesday we went fishing with Hope and our friend from school, Chase Stanton. There is this place called the Hatchery, where all the fish come to spawn and die. So there is a big body of water outside of that, that we fished in. Now you don't really want to keep any of these fish, seeing as they are all coming to die and so they are kinda nasty, so we just caught them and threw them back. I caught 4 Chum salmon on this excursion. It was really fun. I got bled all over by one which was sick, but still fun despite all the nasty. My mom held the record with 5 fish. She was a pro for sure. Now, I say we threw all the fish back...but one didn't make it. This is nasty, so bear with me, but I caught one through his eye. Since he was squirmming more than any of the other fish (I don't know why, maybe because a hook through the eyeball is probably excruciating. But that is just a guess) Chase couldn't get the hook out of his face without killing him. So he had to stomp on him and then get the hook out. That is a sick-nasty story I know, and I'm sorry. Its Alaska. They're rough and tough up here.
Thursday we went hiking up a trail called Perseverance, which was really gorgeous. We ended a this huge beautiful waterfall. Like it is breathtaking how beautiful God makes creation. It's just a glimpse of how beautiful he is, a picture of his majesty. I also think it is funny that us girls more admired the beauty of the waterfall while my dad was admiring the sheer power of it. I think we as humans typically only notice one side of something, like us girls just looking at how beautiful it was and Daddy just seeing the power of it. But when you have more than one person you see more than one perspective. Fellowship is so good because it opens your eyes to things that you would never see or recognize yourself. God is always more than one-sided. He's not just beautiful (which we typically associate with delicate and soft) but he's also so powerful (which we typically associate with rough and tough. Not really delicate or soft at all.). We wouldn't normally put the two together, but he uses little things here on earth, like big, beautiful, powerful waterfalls to give us a glimspe of how the two can be perfectly compatiable.
Friday, so yesterday, we moved into the new house and then hit up downtown for some shopping. After that Hope had her 6 other girls from project over at our new beautiful cabin. We cooked pizzas and sweet potatoes and I at crab straight from the leg. Then we played a game and hit the sack. It's nice just to put faces with all the names Hope has been telling me about. They're all really cool girls so it was fun to get to hang out with them all.
Well that is the scoop. There is so much I'm missing not putting in here, just for the sake of time for the both of us. But if I get to see you anytime soon you can ask and I'll share more stories. And I'm sure pictures will make their way to the internet at some point. Its been a really good trip, just getting to be with most of the fam.
Until next time dear friend.
Psalm 138:6-8
-Kelly
We left Monday evening around 4 to get to the airport. Our flight was scheduled to be at 10:30pm and we were going early in the hopes to go standby for the the 7:30 out of Dallas instead. Did you know they now charge $50 to go standby? Yup. Ridiculous. I mean it kinda makes sense because it keeps the list from being so long and such a hassle, but it kept us from being able to fly out 3 hours earlier so I will continue to be disgruntled with the new rule. Anyway, so we flew out at 10:30pm to Vegas, where we stayed the night at the local Embassy Suites. We had a 7am flight the next morning so it was a rather short night to be sure. Tuesday morning came a little faster than I would have liked. At 7am we took off from Vegas, flew to Seattle, and then from Seattle we went to Juneau.
Okay well I could go through the rest play-by-play style, but I think you'd rather hear just the highlights. Wednesday we went fishing with Hope and our friend from school, Chase Stanton. There is this place called the Hatchery, where all the fish come to spawn and die. So there is a big body of water outside of that, that we fished in. Now you don't really want to keep any of these fish, seeing as they are all coming to die and so they are kinda nasty, so we just caught them and threw them back. I caught 4 Chum salmon on this excursion. It was really fun. I got bled all over by one which was sick, but still fun despite all the nasty. My mom held the record with 5 fish. She was a pro for sure. Now, I say we threw all the fish back...but one didn't make it. This is nasty, so bear with me, but I caught one through his eye. Since he was squirmming more than any of the other fish (I don't know why, maybe because a hook through the eyeball is probably excruciating. But that is just a guess) Chase couldn't get the hook out of his face without killing him. So he had to stomp on him and then get the hook out. That is a sick-nasty story I know, and I'm sorry. Its Alaska. They're rough and tough up here.
Thursday we went hiking up a trail called Perseverance, which was really gorgeous. We ended a this huge beautiful waterfall. Like it is breathtaking how beautiful God makes creation. It's just a glimpse of how beautiful he is, a picture of his majesty. I also think it is funny that us girls more admired the beauty of the waterfall while my dad was admiring the sheer power of it. I think we as humans typically only notice one side of something, like us girls just looking at how beautiful it was and Daddy just seeing the power of it. But when you have more than one person you see more than one perspective. Fellowship is so good because it opens your eyes to things that you would never see or recognize yourself. God is always more than one-sided. He's not just beautiful (which we typically associate with delicate and soft) but he's also so powerful (which we typically associate with rough and tough. Not really delicate or soft at all.). We wouldn't normally put the two together, but he uses little things here on earth, like big, beautiful, powerful waterfalls to give us a glimspe of how the two can be perfectly compatiable.
Friday, so yesterday, we moved into the new house and then hit up downtown for some shopping. After that Hope had her 6 other girls from project over at our new beautiful cabin. We cooked pizzas and sweet potatoes and I at crab straight from the leg. Then we played a game and hit the sack. It's nice just to put faces with all the names Hope has been telling me about. They're all really cool girls so it was fun to get to hang out with them all.
Well that is the scoop. There is so much I'm missing not putting in here, just for the sake of time for the both of us. But if I get to see you anytime soon you can ask and I'll share more stories. And I'm sure pictures will make their way to the internet at some point. Its been a really good trip, just getting to be with most of the fam.
Until next time dear friend.
Psalm 138:6-8
-Kelly
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
A Word from the Wooed.
Hey dear friends!
Well I have finished Biology. I passed. I just checked my grade. I passed. I have nothing else good to say about it, just that I never have to take it again. Hallelujah.
With all that jazz out of my hair it has been time for fun stuff!!! Whoooooo!! I made a roadtrip to Arkansas this weekend and it was WONDERFUL!! Exactly 3 weeks from tomorrow I will be moving my things back to the Hog Land. Can't tell you how excited I am about it and this weekend just increased that excitement exponetially. I got to hang out with friends and drive around town and just see a lot of really lovely people and places. It was the best.
Since getting back (so ...yesterday) I got to hang out with friends, work a little, and paint. I love painting. I am about to read a bit, and I'm stoked about that too. It has been so great not having class! I get to see Hope a week from today and I am so looking forward to it. I miss her lots. It'll be good to get to catch up face-to-face and not just over the phone. Its amazing all the really fun things you can do when you don't have to do school!
I finished Proverbs last week and so I made the transition into Ecclesiastes. I really can't believe I've never read through it before. Its so good. And really challenging. So far the two things that have stood out the most to me were in chapter 2 and chapter 5. First, in 2:24-25 Solomon, (er, well that is who is almost always thought to be the writter) shows us that the one thing in life that isn't vanity is enjoying the things given to us within God's design for our life. Like he goes through money, wisdom, eating, drinking, riches, toil, ect., and all of it is just complete vanity. Striving after the wind. Not because those things are bad by any means on their own, but they are worthless without a Creator giving them purpose. Apart from him they will never bring us happiness. Verse 25 says, "for who can find enjoyment apart from him?" Our purpose is to delight in the things of God. The work he's given us, the money, the wisdom, all of that, we take pleasure in, but we don't strive for. I guess just being content and thankful for the circumstances we are in and finding joy in our freedom in Christ and where in life God has placed us. Contentment is hard for everyone. It starts small. You just want one thing and then if/when you get it, it never fulfills like we had hoped it will. So then we want more. Or because whatever we wanted did bring us some temporary joy we think that if we just had a little bit more then we'd have it all. Then it builds and before we know it we are living in a constant state of discontentment, trying so hard to find life and joy in lifeless things. So that was the first thing that really struck me, absolutely nothing in this life has any meaning apart from God.
Second was chapter 5, which I read today. Verse 2 really hit home for me, so I'm going to type it all out. It says, "Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few." Do you ever just try to talk for God? Or tell him what's up before listening for him to speak? I sure do. For pretty much every aspect of my life I like to try to figure it all out. Its like I think I'm going to beat God to actually revealing things, so that when he does get around to it I can say, "Ha! I knew it all along!" Instead of looking back at all the incredible ways God has worked in my life and trusting him with ways he has yet to work, I try and understand things that, honestly, just really aren't for me to see. Half of the growing process is trusting that God is going to do it, and most of the time I try to skip that half and get right to the being grown and knowledgeable part. It'd be like a flower disconnected from its stem. I mean stems really aren't all that attractive, but you've got to have them to have the beautiful part. Without the stem attatched to a life source you just have a bunch of brown, ugly, dead petals in your hands. It really is embarrassing to think of how I hasty I am to tell God my opinion on how I think life should go. I am on earth. God is in heaven. You know, he's the one that made EVERYTHING, and planned it all out to bring himself honor. The God that died for me and has proved his love towards me over and over again. The one that breaks me continually, the one that shows himself in the most beautiful ways. Seems like it should be easy enough to trust that kind of love and faithfulness, right? Why are we so foolish to think more highly of ourselves than we ought? So preoccupied with our own little worlds that we have tried to make ourselves the rulers over. I've definitely been getting taught submission and learning to hold my tongue. Sometimes I just say what is on my mind with complete disregard to common sense. And being open has its place, but man I could take a lesson or two in holding back emotions, opinions, and thoughts. This passage was just another reminder of that. I can't think of a single passage where it says, "Be really hasty to tell God how to run the universe." It's just easy to forget that since a lot of times we can't see past our own noses.
So that was just 2 thoughts that came out of Ecclesiastes. This week I am going to try to get back into the cleaning mode. Tomorrow: Living room. And for dinner: Thai Coconut Curry Soup. We shall see how that goes.
Well until next time dear friends!
Isaiah 55:8-9
-Kelly
Well I have finished Biology. I passed. I just checked my grade. I passed. I have nothing else good to say about it, just that I never have to take it again. Hallelujah.
With all that jazz out of my hair it has been time for fun stuff!!! Whoooooo!! I made a roadtrip to Arkansas this weekend and it was WONDERFUL!! Exactly 3 weeks from tomorrow I will be moving my things back to the Hog Land. Can't tell you how excited I am about it and this weekend just increased that excitement exponetially. I got to hang out with friends and drive around town and just see a lot of really lovely people and places. It was the best.
Since getting back (so ...yesterday) I got to hang out with friends, work a little, and paint. I love painting. I am about to read a bit, and I'm stoked about that too. It has been so great not having class! I get to see Hope a week from today and I am so looking forward to it. I miss her lots. It'll be good to get to catch up face-to-face and not just over the phone. Its amazing all the really fun things you can do when you don't have to do school!
I finished Proverbs last week and so I made the transition into Ecclesiastes. I really can't believe I've never read through it before. Its so good. And really challenging. So far the two things that have stood out the most to me were in chapter 2 and chapter 5. First, in 2:24-25 Solomon, (er, well that is who is almost always thought to be the writter) shows us that the one thing in life that isn't vanity is enjoying the things given to us within God's design for our life. Like he goes through money, wisdom, eating, drinking, riches, toil, ect., and all of it is just complete vanity. Striving after the wind. Not because those things are bad by any means on their own, but they are worthless without a Creator giving them purpose. Apart from him they will never bring us happiness. Verse 25 says, "for who can find enjoyment apart from him?" Our purpose is to delight in the things of God. The work he's given us, the money, the wisdom, all of that, we take pleasure in, but we don't strive for. I guess just being content and thankful for the circumstances we are in and finding joy in our freedom in Christ and where in life God has placed us. Contentment is hard for everyone. It starts small. You just want one thing and then if/when you get it, it never fulfills like we had hoped it will. So then we want more. Or because whatever we wanted did bring us some temporary joy we think that if we just had a little bit more then we'd have it all. Then it builds and before we know it we are living in a constant state of discontentment, trying so hard to find life and joy in lifeless things. So that was the first thing that really struck me, absolutely nothing in this life has any meaning apart from God.
Second was chapter 5, which I read today. Verse 2 really hit home for me, so I'm going to type it all out. It says, "Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few." Do you ever just try to talk for God? Or tell him what's up before listening for him to speak? I sure do. For pretty much every aspect of my life I like to try to figure it all out. Its like I think I'm going to beat God to actually revealing things, so that when he does get around to it I can say, "Ha! I knew it all along!" Instead of looking back at all the incredible ways God has worked in my life and trusting him with ways he has yet to work, I try and understand things that, honestly, just really aren't for me to see. Half of the growing process is trusting that God is going to do it, and most of the time I try to skip that half and get right to the being grown and knowledgeable part. It'd be like a flower disconnected from its stem. I mean stems really aren't all that attractive, but you've got to have them to have the beautiful part. Without the stem attatched to a life source you just have a bunch of brown, ugly, dead petals in your hands. It really is embarrassing to think of how I hasty I am to tell God my opinion on how I think life should go. I am on earth. God is in heaven. You know, he's the one that made EVERYTHING, and planned it all out to bring himself honor. The God that died for me and has proved his love towards me over and over again. The one that breaks me continually, the one that shows himself in the most beautiful ways. Seems like it should be easy enough to trust that kind of love and faithfulness, right? Why are we so foolish to think more highly of ourselves than we ought? So preoccupied with our own little worlds that we have tried to make ourselves the rulers over. I've definitely been getting taught submission and learning to hold my tongue. Sometimes I just say what is on my mind with complete disregard to common sense. And being open has its place, but man I could take a lesson or two in holding back emotions, opinions, and thoughts. This passage was just another reminder of that. I can't think of a single passage where it says, "Be really hasty to tell God how to run the universe." It's just easy to forget that since a lot of times we can't see past our own noses.
So that was just 2 thoughts that came out of Ecclesiastes. This week I am going to try to get back into the cleaning mode. Tomorrow: Living room. And for dinner: Thai Coconut Curry Soup. We shall see how that goes.
Well until next time dear friends!
Isaiah 55:8-9
-Kelly
Friday, July 2, 2010
Nehemiah 8:10b
Bear with me today, folks. Its probably going to be a long-en'.
One month, one day. That is how long I have before I will be moving my things into D407. It feels like time has been rolling on a hill. At the beginning of the summer it was like I was pushing it uphill. Now I'm rolling downhill and it is picking up speed. I've got one more week of school, one week of just work, one week in Alaska, and then one week after that to get everything together to move in. At the beginning of the summer Amy, Bre and I (Amy and Bre are going to co-lead a freshman girl's bible study with me next year) made a list of 13 prayer requests for the 13 weeks of the summer. I made index cards and taped them all to my mirror and I took them down one by one and stuck them in my journal for that week. Its so weird to think my mirror once had a chain stretching from top to bottom with prayer cards, and now, after tomorrow, will just have 3 left on it.
I went back and read my first post yesterday and it is really hard to not feel a little like a failure. I'm looking at 2/3rds of my summer gone and wondering why on earth I haven't accomplished anything. There is still time left, but not near as much as there used to be. Which brings me to a word that has been threatening my heart and emotions at many points throughout the summer. Overwhelmed. That sense that you just might not be able to handle something anymore. Which brings me to another word that has been the theme of this summer so far. Faithful. God has been so incredibly faithful throughout. He hasn't let me be overtaken by any of these overwhelming feelings. With my feeling of lonliness at the beginning of the summer he provided new friendships, let me spend time with old friends, and most of all he has been so so faithful to be right there with me whenever the feeling threatens again. When I am beginning to feel overwhelmed with the weight of my sin (reading old journals is agonizing because I see the repetitive sin in my life that I continue to struggle with) and when I feel completely insufficient as a Christian he reminds me that HIS grace is sufficient for me and HIS power is made perfect in my weakness. When my schedule has felt like too much and when I can't seem to find the perfect balance between work, classes, and goals he helps me reprioritize and somehow, no matter how much or how little anxiety I have, he provides time for everything. There have been points where I just feel so helpless. I've felt like that a lot this week, but I probably feel that way because I am. I don't have control, and if I did it would be a scary thing for the rest of the world. God, in his grace, is reminding me of how very mortal I am and how very sovereign I am not.
I came across a verse a week or two ago and I want to share it with y'all. Its Nehemiah 8:10 part b. It says, "And do not be grieved for the joy of the Lord is your strength." Fact. At all of these points, the ones even just this summer, he has been my strength and my joy. He is consistently reminding me that I cannot do it on my own, and that fact is my joy. Because he is my strength and my provider I have no need to be grieved, he's going to take care of everything in his time and in his way. I may feel a bit like a failure right now, helpless, and threatened to be overwhelmed all over again but he is my strength. Also when thinking about this summer so far I go back the Proverbs 19:21, "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." I mean I had all these plans, all good plans, all good things, and all things that still have time to be tackled, but God has established my steps. I cannot think of another time in my life where I have been so continuously broken. It's nothing of my own merit, it is just God being merciful to me, a sinner. And when I say sinner I mean it in the deepest, blackest sense. I am completely deprave. And God is completely gracious to me and doesn't see any of it because he is looking at me through the lense of Christ. Can't get over that. Anyway, he is establishing my steps. As much as I am looking at my list of goals as being in the process of failing, God has been working on me in a much bigger way than my list of 10 things ever could have. Don't ask me why he has been so faithful. It's something I will never completely understand.
I feel like this sounds like such a melodramatic post. It really isn't. Yes, my sin is like grains of sand on a beach. Yes, I have been broken and heartbroken over things in my life. Yes, I do continue to be a fool and struggle with realizing how sovereign God is and how not I am. But really all those things are what makes God's grace so incredible and beautiful. I'm so thankful that he loves me enough that, despite my shortcomings (there are many, trust me) , he chose me for his name's sake. It is more of a post of praise of God's grace and faithfulness than a gripe over my sinfulness. Again, his faithfulness is just something I will never be able to fully wrap my mind around.
Psalm 25:4-5
-Kelly
P.s- Oh and I made a 94 on my final speech in Communications. I don't know what the final grade was overall but it was an A. Wooowhooo :)
One month, one day. That is how long I have before I will be moving my things into D407. It feels like time has been rolling on a hill. At the beginning of the summer it was like I was pushing it uphill. Now I'm rolling downhill and it is picking up speed. I've got one more week of school, one week of just work, one week in Alaska, and then one week after that to get everything together to move in. At the beginning of the summer Amy, Bre and I (Amy and Bre are going to co-lead a freshman girl's bible study with me next year) made a list of 13 prayer requests for the 13 weeks of the summer. I made index cards and taped them all to my mirror and I took them down one by one and stuck them in my journal for that week. Its so weird to think my mirror once had a chain stretching from top to bottom with prayer cards, and now, after tomorrow, will just have 3 left on it.
I went back and read my first post yesterday and it is really hard to not feel a little like a failure. I'm looking at 2/3rds of my summer gone and wondering why on earth I haven't accomplished anything. There is still time left, but not near as much as there used to be. Which brings me to a word that has been threatening my heart and emotions at many points throughout the summer. Overwhelmed. That sense that you just might not be able to handle something anymore. Which brings me to another word that has been the theme of this summer so far. Faithful. God has been so incredibly faithful throughout. He hasn't let me be overtaken by any of these overwhelming feelings. With my feeling of lonliness at the beginning of the summer he provided new friendships, let me spend time with old friends, and most of all he has been so so faithful to be right there with me whenever the feeling threatens again. When I am beginning to feel overwhelmed with the weight of my sin (reading old journals is agonizing because I see the repetitive sin in my life that I continue to struggle with) and when I feel completely insufficient as a Christian he reminds me that HIS grace is sufficient for me and HIS power is made perfect in my weakness. When my schedule has felt like too much and when I can't seem to find the perfect balance between work, classes, and goals he helps me reprioritize and somehow, no matter how much or how little anxiety I have, he provides time for everything. There have been points where I just feel so helpless. I've felt like that a lot this week, but I probably feel that way because I am. I don't have control, and if I did it would be a scary thing for the rest of the world. God, in his grace, is reminding me of how very mortal I am and how very sovereign I am not.
I came across a verse a week or two ago and I want to share it with y'all. Its Nehemiah 8:10 part b. It says, "And do not be grieved for the joy of the Lord is your strength." Fact. At all of these points, the ones even just this summer, he has been my strength and my joy. He is consistently reminding me that I cannot do it on my own, and that fact is my joy. Because he is my strength and my provider I have no need to be grieved, he's going to take care of everything in his time and in his way. I may feel a bit like a failure right now, helpless, and threatened to be overwhelmed all over again but he is my strength. Also when thinking about this summer so far I go back the Proverbs 19:21, "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." I mean I had all these plans, all good plans, all good things, and all things that still have time to be tackled, but God has established my steps. I cannot think of another time in my life where I have been so continuously broken. It's nothing of my own merit, it is just God being merciful to me, a sinner. And when I say sinner I mean it in the deepest, blackest sense. I am completely deprave. And God is completely gracious to me and doesn't see any of it because he is looking at me through the lense of Christ. Can't get over that. Anyway, he is establishing my steps. As much as I am looking at my list of goals as being in the process of failing, God has been working on me in a much bigger way than my list of 10 things ever could have. Don't ask me why he has been so faithful. It's something I will never completely understand.
I feel like this sounds like such a melodramatic post. It really isn't. Yes, my sin is like grains of sand on a beach. Yes, I have been broken and heartbroken over things in my life. Yes, I do continue to be a fool and struggle with realizing how sovereign God is and how not I am. But really all those things are what makes God's grace so incredible and beautiful. I'm so thankful that he loves me enough that, despite my shortcomings (there are many, trust me) , he chose me for his name's sake. It is more of a post of praise of God's grace and faithfulness than a gripe over my sinfulness. Again, his faithfulness is just something I will never be able to fully wrap my mind around.
Psalm 25:4-5
-Kelly
P.s- Oh and I made a 94 on my final speech in Communications. I don't know what the final grade was overall but it was an A. Wooowhooo :)
Monday, June 28, 2010
The Proverbial Post
So I've just finished the 21st chapter of Proverbs and it is continuing to be very very good. Chapter 16 is now highlighted, underlined, and boxed in. It's probably one of my favorites. The chapters are still very much focusing on wisdom. It hinges around counsel and the Lord guiding your steps. In chapter 20 one of the verses that stuck out the most was verse 24. "A man's steps are from the Lord; how then can man understand his way?" Isn't funny how often that we try to figure out our futures? Not even really funny, more foolish and sad. College is a super rough time for that too, I feel like. Everything you do in these four years is supposedly what is going to shape your future. Its so hard not too keep looking ahead and trying to figure out your life. And yet, our lives and the steps we take are from God, not from ourselves. "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand."-Proverbs 19:21 "The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. All the ways of man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit. Commit your work to the Lord and your plans will be established." -Proverbs 16:1-3 "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." -Proverbs 16:9. These are just glimpses of verses I've read this week. There are so many more in the entire book. I'm pretty sure he's trying to say that we can plan all we want, but God's got the final say. I think it is so easy for us to try to understand our future, to sort it out and break it down, but even though we make plans, they are our plans, not his. Maybe that is why so many feel so much dissappointment and frustration towards God, we think our plans are the correct way and then he shows us something else. What we thought was for sure or promised changes and we feel like the rug got ripped out from under us. In reality God never promises us that we'll know our understand his plans, in fact just the opposite, he "...how then can he understand his way?" - Vs 20:24. Pretty sure that is a rhetorical question. We can't. So why do we keep trying? How bout we seek to understand the things he does allow us to see and know?
I think realizing that we are not sovereign is like a sucker punch to our pride. Even though we never say, "I know it all" our hearts and actions speak for us. When reality sets in it can really cut you down at the knees. I know. I've been being repeatedly humbled again and again because of my foolish confidence. I keep thinking about the song Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle. If you've ever really thought about it, sweet and broken are not really two words that you'd put together very often. Typically when I think of broken I think of pain and being brought low. Not really a sweet experience. I read a verse yesterday that kind of puts it into perspective, though. "Blows that wound cleanse away evil; strokes make clean the innermost parts." -Proverbs 20:30. Obviously it is not talking about physical blows. You can't get someone to dock you to cleanse you of evil. It takes spiritual blows. Those sucker punches to our pride and our self-confidence are the things that cleanse us. That's the sweet part of being broken, even though it is painful and difficult at points, it is the pruning that allows us to grow up. Honestly it is God's grace that allows us to be brought so low. It may seem harsh but he's wooing us to something better, to himself. Whatever it was, sin, pride, money, future plans, ect, absolutely cannot ever hold a candle to him. Surrender is so difficult, and when our pride gets in the way it becomes even more difficult, but he allows the pain to set in so that we can put him back on the throne of our lives. It's like the helm of a boat, he's captain and we're merely a passenger. We like to take over when it's smooth sailing, it seems easy enough, so why not? We push the captain aside and try to steer our own way, we think we know how to get to our destination, we even turn down a compass in our arrogance. Even though he's the captain and has the authority to take back the helm he wants it given back. So he allows the storms to come. It's not until the storms that we recognize that we absolutely do not have control. We just cannot run the ship safetly, we have no knowledge and not the slightest idea where we are actually going. In order for us to not capsize ourselves we hand back over the helm. If the weather had just stayed fair we would have taken it as some merit of our own that the sailing was smooth.
That was probably a cheesey/cliche illustration but that's the best way I put it in my mind. Anyway, that's just been a lot of what I've been reading lately. I finished my communications class!!! I'll let you know what I got soon. I did a persusive speech on the relevance of marriage still in today's society and so we'll see if I defended it well at all. I've gotten really good grades on all my speeches and presentations so far. I'm glad I'm half-way decent at talking in front of a class, considering that is what I want to do with my life (God-willing). So that has been encouraging. Two more weeks of Bio!! Ahh I'm so ready to be done and have a couple week break before starting school school. Please pray for me and my test this week, it is a very crucial one, and I can use all the support I can get!
I love you all very much! Thank you for reading, you all are an encouragement to me. I hope you have a beautiful rest-of-Monday day. :)
Proverbs 17:24
-Kelly
I think realizing that we are not sovereign is like a sucker punch to our pride. Even though we never say, "I know it all" our hearts and actions speak for us. When reality sets in it can really cut you down at the knees. I know. I've been being repeatedly humbled again and again because of my foolish confidence. I keep thinking about the song Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle. If you've ever really thought about it, sweet and broken are not really two words that you'd put together very often. Typically when I think of broken I think of pain and being brought low. Not really a sweet experience. I read a verse yesterday that kind of puts it into perspective, though. "Blows that wound cleanse away evil; strokes make clean the innermost parts." -Proverbs 20:30. Obviously it is not talking about physical blows. You can't get someone to dock you to cleanse you of evil. It takes spiritual blows. Those sucker punches to our pride and our self-confidence are the things that cleanse us. That's the sweet part of being broken, even though it is painful and difficult at points, it is the pruning that allows us to grow up. Honestly it is God's grace that allows us to be brought so low. It may seem harsh but he's wooing us to something better, to himself. Whatever it was, sin, pride, money, future plans, ect, absolutely cannot ever hold a candle to him. Surrender is so difficult, and when our pride gets in the way it becomes even more difficult, but he allows the pain to set in so that we can put him back on the throne of our lives. It's like the helm of a boat, he's captain and we're merely a passenger. We like to take over when it's smooth sailing, it seems easy enough, so why not? We push the captain aside and try to steer our own way, we think we know how to get to our destination, we even turn down a compass in our arrogance. Even though he's the captain and has the authority to take back the helm he wants it given back. So he allows the storms to come. It's not until the storms that we recognize that we absolutely do not have control. We just cannot run the ship safetly, we have no knowledge and not the slightest idea where we are actually going. In order for us to not capsize ourselves we hand back over the helm. If the weather had just stayed fair we would have taken it as some merit of our own that the sailing was smooth.
That was probably a cheesey/cliche illustration but that's the best way I put it in my mind. Anyway, that's just been a lot of what I've been reading lately. I finished my communications class!!! I'll let you know what I got soon. I did a persusive speech on the relevance of marriage still in today's society and so we'll see if I defended it well at all. I've gotten really good grades on all my speeches and presentations so far. I'm glad I'm half-way decent at talking in front of a class, considering that is what I want to do with my life (God-willing). So that has been encouraging. Two more weeks of Bio!! Ahh I'm so ready to be done and have a couple week break before starting school school. Please pray for me and my test this week, it is a very crucial one, and I can use all the support I can get!
I love you all very much! Thank you for reading, you all are an encouragement to me. I hope you have a beautiful rest-of-Monday day. :)
Proverbs 17:24
-Kelly
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
A new post
So its been a little bit since I last gave any sort of real update...so here it goes....
Did I say I wanted an A in Biology?...*cough*....Ummm I think what I meant was I would like to PASS Biology. Seriously. I'm struggling. It isn't so much that the material is just that difficult, but that I just don't have a lot time to retain it all. I've just had to kind of tackle one thing at a time, so quizzes and unit work along with labs Mon-Wed, speeches and Communication assignments Thur-Sat, and then Sunday I use to study for my Bio exams. BUT I am nearly done with Communications! One 9-minute speech and an exam and I'll be finished! Whoot!!! :) Anyway, no one really wants to read all this. It's a drag. So. Moving on.
The goals are at a stand still right now, with the exclusion of loving on the kids I babysit for and trying to make an A in both classes (trying being the key word. Ha.) I'm still on page like 500 of Harry Potter, the 4th one. I still have only read 3 chapters of Screwtape. I'm still in the very beginning of French. I still have not touched the piano. I'm still only through the 6th verse of Psalm 103. My house is messy messy messy. And I haven't cooked in weeks. To all the mothers out there that balance all these things normally, my hat goes off to you. Y'all are my heroines. I have the month of July that calms down in terms of school and I'll see what I can do about conquering everything. I never really thought I'd look forward to normal semester classes so much.
Proverbs has been really great recently (how's that for a transition sentence?) I'm on chapter 15 as of today and its turned from long bits of instruction on adultrey and wisdom and now it has become just a lot of short snipets on wisdom and the fool. One of the things that has stood out to me the most is the instruction to seek counselors. It talks a lot about how the fool won't take instruction or critisim but the wise accept it freely, even seek it out! Just gonna be real honest right now, I am a big fool when it comes to this. My way is right in my eyes and I rarely seek guidance or ask for help. I mean this is in even the littlest things. If I am lost I will circle around for an hour before asking someone for help. I want to figure it out on my own. When Hope and I started playing basketball for our new team her senior year we had games all over the metroplex. They would be hours away a lot of times and so we were lost frequently. I always trusted my inner compass, and my inner compass was very often broken. But I would say things with enough conviction that Hope would believe me and we would find ourselves in the most random places ever. On the bright side we learned all about Dallas roads and navigating them! On the not bright side, I tend to apply this to everything, and that makes me a fool. Very much so, too. A lot of times I just won't open my mouth about things I'm struggling with, or decsions that could use some insight to be made, because I think/know that eventually it will work out and I want to be able to have solved it on my own. I'm so decided and opinionated about things I don't have the slightest clue about. I'm so set in what I think that I rarely listen to wisdom from others. I guess this is a confession of what a dummy I've been. A confession is no good if it doesn't lead to repentance, though. I'm not really sure where to start, Hope is going to be helping me out a bit, because she is much smarter than me and typically has a better gauge of right and wrong. Repentance that leads to action is really what needs to be happening. I guess I can start by admitting that I just don't know. I just can't see everything and I definitely people like all of y'all helping me out and giving me guidance. I guess it will be hard to swallow at first because I'll have to swallow my pride too, but it really needs to be happening in my life right now.
Well, I hope that you guys are having a great week!!! Enjoy the rest of your day!
Colossians 3:12-17
-Kelly
Did I say I wanted an A in Biology?...*cough*....Ummm I think what I meant was I would like to PASS Biology. Seriously. I'm struggling. It isn't so much that the material is just that difficult, but that I just don't have a lot time to retain it all. I've just had to kind of tackle one thing at a time, so quizzes and unit work along with labs Mon-Wed, speeches and Communication assignments Thur-Sat, and then Sunday I use to study for my Bio exams. BUT I am nearly done with Communications! One 9-minute speech and an exam and I'll be finished! Whoot!!! :) Anyway, no one really wants to read all this. It's a drag. So. Moving on.
The goals are at a stand still right now, with the exclusion of loving on the kids I babysit for and trying to make an A in both classes (trying being the key word. Ha.) I'm still on page like 500 of Harry Potter, the 4th one. I still have only read 3 chapters of Screwtape. I'm still in the very beginning of French. I still have not touched the piano. I'm still only through the 6th verse of Psalm 103. My house is messy messy messy. And I haven't cooked in weeks. To all the mothers out there that balance all these things normally, my hat goes off to you. Y'all are my heroines. I have the month of July that calms down in terms of school and I'll see what I can do about conquering everything. I never really thought I'd look forward to normal semester classes so much.
Proverbs has been really great recently (how's that for a transition sentence?) I'm on chapter 15 as of today and its turned from long bits of instruction on adultrey and wisdom and now it has become just a lot of short snipets on wisdom and the fool. One of the things that has stood out to me the most is the instruction to seek counselors. It talks a lot about how the fool won't take instruction or critisim but the wise accept it freely, even seek it out! Just gonna be real honest right now, I am a big fool when it comes to this. My way is right in my eyes and I rarely seek guidance or ask for help. I mean this is in even the littlest things. If I am lost I will circle around for an hour before asking someone for help. I want to figure it out on my own. When Hope and I started playing basketball for our new team her senior year we had games all over the metroplex. They would be hours away a lot of times and so we were lost frequently. I always trusted my inner compass, and my inner compass was very often broken. But I would say things with enough conviction that Hope would believe me and we would find ourselves in the most random places ever. On the bright side we learned all about Dallas roads and navigating them! On the not bright side, I tend to apply this to everything, and that makes me a fool. Very much so, too. A lot of times I just won't open my mouth about things I'm struggling with, or decsions that could use some insight to be made, because I think/know that eventually it will work out and I want to be able to have solved it on my own. I'm so decided and opinionated about things I don't have the slightest clue about. I'm so set in what I think that I rarely listen to wisdom from others. I guess this is a confession of what a dummy I've been. A confession is no good if it doesn't lead to repentance, though. I'm not really sure where to start, Hope is going to be helping me out a bit, because she is much smarter than me and typically has a better gauge of right and wrong. Repentance that leads to action is really what needs to be happening. I guess I can start by admitting that I just don't know. I just can't see everything and I definitely people like all of y'all helping me out and giving me guidance. I guess it will be hard to swallow at first because I'll have to swallow my pride too, but it really needs to be happening in my life right now.
Well, I hope that you guys are having a great week!!! Enjoy the rest of your day!
Colossians 3:12-17
-Kelly
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